It's been two years since my last blog-session. So much has happened, I don't know where to start. So I won't. I'll continue.
How ironic is it that in my last two posts I was lamenting over the fact that in two short years Trey would be leaving on a mission. I believe I even shed a tear or two just thinking about it.
Well...my two years is up. He's leaving. Soon. Too soon. In 7 days to be exact.
Oddly enough, I'm not crying. I even brought a tissue with me. I think I'm all cried out. I have cried nearly every day since he received his call, just thinking about the day he would leave me. I'm all dried up.
I came home from work today to find the spare bedroom filled with bags of clothes and toys he has outgrown. His closet is the cleanest I have seen it since we last painted. Just kidding, we didn't paint the closet, it was too messy. I can't remember the last time it was so clean. You would think I would be ecstatic to see him finally dejunk years of accumulated stuff; but it made me cry.
I cried for the little boy he once was; for the toys he no longer plays with, the stuffed animals that will no longer be hugged. He's too young to be all grown up and leaving his mommy to go half-way around the world.
It was just a few short years ago that i was blogging about how my sweet little boy would follow me to the bathroom and talk between the door. Not a moment of peace or reprieve when there were tales to be told. I cherished those days, knowing the day would come when he would be a sullen teenager and stop talking to me. That day never came. He still follows me to the bathroom, although he stops talking long enough to let me believe he has gone, then he scares the rest of the crap out of me when I walk out and he jumps out of his hiding spot.
As a Mother, I have felt the range of every emotion possible, but I didn't know I could feel them all at once. I am conflicted.
My heart is breaking with sadness and bursting with joy.
I am excited and nervous.
I am at peace, and I'm afraid.
I can't bare to let him go. I can't bare to see him not go.
I can't wait for him to go. I can't wait for him to come home.
I can't wait to see the man he'll become. I want my little boy back.
I want to hold him in my arms and never let him go. I want him to spread his wings and fly.
So much turmoil. Can you see my predicament? The day I have been looking forward to/dreading all his life has finally arrived and I can't decide whether to be happy about it or sad. So i'll be both. I love you Trey with all my broken and mending heart. These last 18 years have gone by much too fast, let's hope the next two go by just as quickly.
Excuse me now while I go get another tissue. It seems I have a spare tank of tears.
I love you Trey. Till we meet again.
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